In ordinary circumstances, I don’t do well with “quiet”. This is why I knit, why I contemplate Buddhism, why I am always overbooking my life. I mean, time – jam pack it with action – you know?
I woke up this morning and I didn’t cry. I’ve teared up, and I’m not naive enough to think that the crying has stopped…but I think the continual stream that has been running down my face since 10:30pm Saturday March 1 2008….I think they have slowed….
My ex still has Ruby and said he’d bring her by this afternoon for a visit and a snack. I need to see her, badly. I can’t be left alone with her, but I need to see her, need to love her. He (the ex) is being remarkably un-asshole. And I’m so easy, like a puppy. Pet me nice, give me a treat and I’m all good. In other words, I’m not big on grudges. So he brought me a coffee from Starbucks and I realized…I have to move the project Derek and I were working on forward. I have to make it happen…
And I’m the sort, that when I decide something like that…well, stand back and observe. Because it will just happen.
So. The Fringe Press. Derek and I were working on an online ‘zine – reviewing Indie music – reviews, interviews, tour blogs. Derek was very, very involved in the music scene – promoting (he ran a club in La Grande Oregon that brought in an impressive roster of indie bands…dood could get the music), creating, loving music. It was something we were both very passionate about – he brought music back into my life in such a wonderful way.
He was talking to my older daughter Hayley once and said, “your mom, she was quite the music groupie” and Hayley said “huh”. And he repeated himself. And Hayley said, “mom likes music?”. And then I realized, how very much of myself I kept tucked away. And Derek, he proceeded to share with Hayley. “Your mother has the best taste in music. THE BEST. Amazing. And yeah Hayley, she loves music.”
So…Derek. My project. The Fringe Press.
I will not shut it down. We have so many reviews thus far, so many interviews lined up, so much going on. I will find a way to keep it alive. And thus, you and your influence.
I love you. And in case you can’t hear me when I turn around and tell you why I’m doing things, just in case you were wondering, I really miss you.