(and you’re to blame…)
Today is one of those days. A little self-inflicted misery and mortification, a glimpse of potential, and my heart broke fresh. And me – needing to be sure that I really do feel – I had to pull out all stops – “Do I really feel sad today? Like crying? Ha! I shall spit in the face of misery!”
So I made the down and dirty kinda curry (recipe below for the curious) you loved for dinner and played “Hey There Delilah” and “First Day of My Life” and “No One’s Gonna Love You” and “Transatlanticism” and organized photos and I let myself think things I hadn’t thought in so many weeks. And as I thought them – it hit me again and again – in those awful waves people speak of. So silly of me – thinking that I should let myself – make myself – really feel. As if plain old feeling wasn’t enough.
It comes down to time. Love needs time. People need time. And relationships need time. And when you are nearly forty – how do you fill someone in on forty years? What do you edit out? What do you fill in? And as I color myself in, yet again, with a fresh box of crayons – I wonder. I wonder why I didn’t give time to those I wanted to (so badly) and why I gave so much of my time to those who could not have cared less.
And for some reason – I’m reminded of Lloyd Dobler – looking for a dare to be great situation….
(TRACY walks away from rambling post with no point other than wallowing)
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
(TRACY returns to rambling post with no point other than wallowing)
After googling “Lloyd Dobler quotes” hoping to find that thing he says about being good at being with Diane – I find this:
In other words: for a generation of Lloyd Doblers to survive from one Burning Man to the next, they need a generation of Diane Courts–that is, brains trapped in the bodies of game show hosts–to lovingly foot the bill.
And just like that…
I’m not feeling so mopey… 🙂
Down & Dirty Kinda Curry
1 can of coconut milk
1 can of diced tomatoes
a bit of garam marsala
a bit of curry powder
a bit of salt and a bit of pepper
a bit more garam marsala (because I love it so much…)
not too much red pepper
not too much chili powder
fresh garlic – a big spoonful (3 cloves? 4? I dunno – it’s garlic!)
Put everything in a sauce pan, except the coconut milk. Simmer and such for 10 mins? However long it takes to get the rice going, set the table, chase the kids out of the kitchen. Add the coconut milk. Simmer for a few more minutes.
Over rice – super dooper yummy