Trying to muster the energy to take a shower. Seriously, taking a shower seems to be so challenging these days. It is that kind of day. The kind of day that drives me to write until I make myself cry, which then leads to serious bootstrap tugging, and whoosh! the shower is no longer challenging.
I’m wallowing in buckets and buckets of self-pity. My oldest packed up and left for college. She’s a sophomore, so it shouldn’t feel so fresh and new and generally icky, but it does. It feels wretched – might have something to do with the fact that she isn’t moving to a dorm, but to her boyfriend’s (and he is a dear) house. Never mind that this seems so final; I know it isn’t. That doesn’t seem to matter this morning as I look around at bare walls and empty spaces.
Karol Fern Sample passed away two days ago. September 2, to be precise, at 6:15 a.m. She loved Yoda, Han Solo, and her art was amazing. I don’t use the term “artist” lightly. In fact, I can’t think of anyone, right now at this moment, that I would call an “artist”. Karol, however, was an Artist.
I remember listening to her describe the process to Chad – how the images just came from the brush – something that might sound like a lack of control. It wasn’t. Karol was art. She took a brush in hand and the art flowed out.
In my mind it is very qi. Actually scratch that. It’s more like this:
Ben Obi-wan Kenobi: [gets up and takes a blast helmet]
I suggest you try it again, Luke. Only this time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct.
[puts the helmet on Luke, which covers his eyes]
Luke Skywalker:[too whiny for words]
But with the blast shield down, I can’t even see! How am I supposed to fight?
Ben Obi-wan Kenobi: Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them. Stretch out with your feelings!
That was Karol – a master of the (art)Force. They say when you grieve, it’s a bit selfish, that the sadness is for yourself, for your loss. Perhaps, but my sadness, my tears are for Karol and her loss. Beautiful, talented, lovely, baby bird Karol. The absolute crap she suffered through the last few years. That she bore it so well breaks my heart.
And then today, we have court. So much pain these days in those I love.
That shower is looking better and better….